I Surrender All

Last year was a tough year for me.  My step dad died of cancer at the end of August and I ended up retiring early from teaching.  Then we moved to Texas to be close to my husband's youngest daughter Jamie and her family.  I always felt like we were a burden for them.  I felt uncomfortable living there.  We weren't able to immediately get jobs so I felt even more like a failure.  Our bright spot was that we finally found a church home.  I know part of my unhappiness stemmed from not working.  I had always worked.  As a matter of fact,  I worked too hard.  Working as a kindergarten teacher was all consuming for me.  It took up most of my time, energy, and my life.  But leaving TN was harder for me because I also missed my family.  My sons live there, my brother, sisters, and mom all lived with in an hours drive or less.  So I had been feeling like a failure because of leaving.  Then my husband and I started fighting a lot.  Things got so bad that I started to feel like I needed to leave.  Then I started to feel that for some reason that God wanted me to leave too.  So I went back to Portland TN.  My sister needed help with taking care of my mom and I felt like God really wanted me to leave too for some reason.  So I left my husband in TX and went back to TN.  While I was gone things didn't get any better with my husband.  We seemed unable to communicate.  But several things happened to me while I was gone.  God had been in my life while in TX He got me back to Overeaters Anonymous last January.  I had been going to meetings and started reading devotions on a daily basis.  But when I got to TN I started this online bible study because I didn't know where I would be TN or TX.  The study was on being Stressed Less.  It was so amazing!!!  I really started realizing that I had never let God have total control of ALL of me.  I gave God control over  my food again and that was easy.  But i had never let Him have total control.  The more I studied the more convicted I got.  I had the OBS workers praying for my relationship with my husband, because I never stopped loving him.  I never talked to a lawyer and I never wanted a divorce.  But things weren't working.  God began changing me inside and out.  I still have a long way to go. I started putting my focus on God first in my life, not way down the line.  I started listening to God more and more.  Where as before I just seemed to do the talking.  After a couple of months, God revealed to me that it was time to go back to TX.  He said that the reason He had needed us to be separated was because He had been working on us both during the separation.  However I was not quite willing to go back to things as they had been.  So I moved in with a lady from our church when I got back to TX.  At first I wondered why I had even come back because things were still very tough for both of us.  Over time and marriage counseling with our pastor, God healed our relationship.  During the time I was gone,  My husband began preaching in a nursing home.  He also was and still is leading a bible study there.  God called my husband to the ministry while I was gone and he surrendered to God to preach.  The preaching and bible study are not paid work but God has provided that too. I joined him in the ministry there and also volunteer at the nursing home. I am not a failure.  In this story I felt like I had failed in my job but I think God wanted me to know that I can't let a job be where my focus lies.  Also I felt like I had failed in my marriage because it looked like we would never make it.  But God had other plans for both of us.  I never expected what was going on in my husbands life while I was gone.  God told me He was working on James but I never expected this.  God also told me that He would heal my marriage and that I would know that He had healed it because it would be better than it had ever been.  He was right!  James is still preaching.  He is going to college to get a certificate of  ministry.  He is also working each day as the Lord has provided him with work.  We have less than we ever had and I am more content with what I have. We thank God every day for all His blessings.  We are each not failures in this life.  Through surrendering all we can be Overconmers.  I have lost about 60 pounds and gained much more serenity, peace, humility, and hope with a closer relationship to Jesus by surrendering all to him.  Some days I have setbacks where i want to take back the control but I am intentionally working on it day by day.